THROWBACK THURSDAY STORY TIME: A PICTURE WITH SO MANY WORDS

As the holidays wind down and life goes back to normal, I found a photo of me from December 2013, covered in Christmas lights. In the corner of the photo were our terms of endearment for each other, “RKPet by JSquare.” I was his pet. We started as client/companion and eventually became lovers. My lover/play partner, and former client, was so good at capturing a moment and all of the emotion that went along with it. A wild weekend in SLC with a 15-year-old Chilean Cabernet from the Winemaker’s private cellar, and some serious playtime.

Clairvoyance of the Heart.

I still remember our first dinner that weekend. He was in SLC for meetings so it was our first time seeing one another in about a month. It was so much fun meeting him on his business trips. SLC was no exception. The irony in that was that I could feel something wasn’t right anymore. You know when its over. You feel it but you aren’t ready for it. The reflection of me in this mirror proves it. In this photo, we had just had that painful but inevitable conversation. The mask helps to hide my tear-stained face and puffy eyes. Endings, after all, are never pretty.

In truth, he was my rebound.

Intuition Lights the Way. The Emotional Masochist Still in the Dark.

Don’t feel bad for me. Shit happens. Relationships have their lifecycle and if I was truly brave enough, I would ALWAYS listen to my intuition that so often leaves me 5 steps ahead. Yet somehow, knowing and not listening to my intuition left me 5 steps behind; a more painful outcome.

Call it emotional masochism. It’s not quite that, though. That is a bit hyperbolic. In all of the emotionally complex situations I have found myself in, I maintain an “all- in” attitude because I see the best in people and I am a true lover at heart. The potential I see, I nurture. He was fond of me saying, “patience, grasshopper” as I had introduced him to his kinky, dominant self. My submission to him, my body as his test lab and playground, was the greatest gift I could give him, knowing he would leap to the next thing.

Lean into the Power of Pain.

My intensity is tough to power off. A level of self-awareness can create a power drain; even the Energizer bunny tires of itself.

EPILOGUE: he got divorced and remarried. Ironically the life I showed him opened a new door. The woman he married was someone who I had inadvertently introduced him to through the world of Fetlife. He continues to live a p/e lifestyle that suits his marriage. Me? Well, I can look at this photo after over a decade, and be glad it was taken. I showed him a life that I had become mentally, physically, and emotionally fatigued by. The rest, the best, I know are still waiting for me. I am a true student of life.

It is cliche of course. The lean into the pain of relationships that end is much healthier albeit, less fun than the “rebound.” There is comfort in the status quo and the consistency of what is just not good for us. I know it feels nice to have someone lick your wounds for you (sometimes literally) but the recognition of the cringe and painful thoughts that churn, is oh-so cathartic.

We know. Our intuition is knocking on the door but its easy to dismiss.

In truth, he was my rebound. He had the magic. I had ended things with my Master once and for all and the time empowering him elevated the emotional turmoil and pain from the ending of such a consequential relationship. It was mutually liberating.

Pain is growth after all. Right, grasshopper?